Aries (March 21 – Apr. 19): It’s okay to hand in that essay a few days late. What’s the worst that could happen? Two per cent a day is nothing? Oh. It’s 20 per cent? Shit.
Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20): Scrambling to find a summer job? They say good things come to those who wait, but I don’t think that applies to resumes…you’re out of luck there, bub.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Hooray! Your parents just bought you a surprise trip to Punta Cana for after exams! How the heck are you supposed to focus now?
Cancer (June 21 – Jul. 22): Spring has finally sprung! Or at least it’s trying. Get outside and enjoy the weather while it lasts! It’s almost winter again, after all.
Leo (Jul. 23 – Aug. 22): Get outdoors and try some springtime activities you never thought you’d like. Geocaching, hiking, maybe even go for a jog – it’s so nice out, why not? You may even find the love of your life, finally.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): Sift through the shitty movies that come out this time of year and go see Grand Budapest Hotel at Princess Twin, it’s worth the $10 to get out of the house. It may not help your studying, but you’re going to fail anyways so who cares, right?
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): Maybe it’s time to wash those sweatpants. The exam period sweatpants can only withstand so much Cheetos dust.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)- Do a little spring-cleaning! Freshen up your room and your house, sort your clothes, and your old books and maybe the kitchen utensils should go there instead. Oh this is fun! Once you’re done, actually do some studying. There is only so much you can clean.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)- Bake some delicious baked goods for your friends and family! (Don’t forgot your favourite horoscope writer…)
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)- This is it! This is the summer you get into shape! This time you’ll ride your bike everywhere, and run everyday and…how hot is it out? Yikes. Crank up the AC and turn on Netflix.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)- Make a nice little summer reading pile for yourself. Put some books aside that you want to read over the summer. Then rediscover the pile when you are cleaning up in the fall.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)- Work out your winter blues by wearing a Hawaiian shirt. What a fun, sexy, article of clothing!
Spencer Dunn once watched a whole season of Long Island Medium in one day, so he’s pretty much set to tell your future.
